Presidential candidates vs. King Larry

As a history major, I am aware that some really crazy things have happened in previous presidential campaigns, but it is still hard to believe that anything can touch the present campaign, and it is only just beginning.

On the Democratic side, we have a Socialist candidate, yes…Socialist. I’m not accusing him of being a Socialist. No, no, he is registered and proud of the fact. We have another candidate under FBI investigation and facing federal indictment for US security violations.

Republicans… well they are not to be ignored in our little drama.

One is a businessman who freely admits having spent forty years contributing money to both political parties and is now campaigning under the pledge to stop influence buying in politics.

Another candidate is so reviled by his fellow senators that at least two have stated that they would vote for a Democrat before voting for him.

A third dropped out of the race before calling a news conference and declaring that his party had gone “bats%@t” crazy.

And lastly, another candidate spent over a week not denying but insisting, bringing forth witnesses and attempting to prove that, yes, he had in fact, stabbed a young man in his youth.

God Bless America ‘cause Lord knows we’ll need it.

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Artwork by Josh Jones 2016

Artwork by Josh Jones 2016

If I were King of the World:

All powerlines would be underground to prevent loss of power during snow and ice.

All automobiles would have an extra built-in battery…no more jumper cables.

Every military veteran who wants a job would have a job.

Bars would give away beer free, but they could charge for use of the restrooms.

Convicted pedophiles would never be released into society…ever.

No person over the age of fifty would be allowed to do Karaoke. It’s just too ugly.

Fire trucks would be red, not orange, not yellow, red. They are supposed to be red.

No company would be given a business license without a live person to answer their phones.

People who ‘Just don’t have time to serve on a jury’ would have their jury pool made up of people who ‘Just don’t have time’ to hear their case.

After Ray Charles, no one would ever again be allowed to sing “America the Beautiful.”

Children would be seen, and heard, and hugged, and played with and totally loved.

All bears and spiders would be killed on sight. They are spawns of Satan and Godless killing machines. They cannot be allowed to exist.